The Power of Love

In the wake of the terrible attacks in Parish last week, I heard many strident voices calling for revenge, counter-attack, and more violence. Those voices did not give me any comfort or reassure me that the world would become safer. Three other voices gave me hope and calmed me. They called me to remember the power of our God made present in the goodness of kind and peaceful people.
First, our brothers and sisters in the Bruderhof, a Christian community, reminded me that Christmas is still coming, and no terrorist can change that. “Belonging to the Christmas message are the well-known words of Martin Luther King Jr., ‘Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.’ These two things – love and light – should spur us all to action.”
Second, dear Mr. Roger’s voice told me the advice he learned as a child from his own mother: “For me, as for all children, the world could have come to seem a scary place to live. But I felt secure with my parents, and they let me know that we were safely together whenever I showed concern about accounts of alarming events in the world. There was something else my mother did that I've always remembered: ‘Always look for the helpers," she'd tell me. ‘There's always someone who is trying to help.’" 
A small boy in his father’s arms was interviewed in Paris the day after the shootings. The child told the reporter how frightened he was of the bad people with guns. His father pointed to all the people laying gathering to pay their respects at the make-shift memorial and said “They might have guns, but we have flowers.” The power of the goodness in the world is stronger than fear.
We must be the helpers. My ministry with families is one contribution I can make to build a more peaceful world. I do this work because I am a follower of Jesus, who calls me to care for all God’s people, especially anyone who is hurting or marginalized. We are responsible for one another. I believe in the importance of families to be safe and loving places for their members and for all of society. I also recognize that living in a family is not easy. I believe in the importance of educating members of the Christian community, lay people and clergy, about what our Church really teaches -- about marriage, family life, and the dignity of every person-- so that they can help and not do harm by indifference, prejudice, or ignorance.

Happiness: A Long-Term Project for Parents

The coming of children to a marriage can be experienced either as a loss in the couple’s relationship or an expansion of it. The evidence that we have from marriage research reinforces a sober picture that parenthood puts a strain on a marriage. For parenting to be a positive experience for the couple, as well as for the children, the health of the couple’s relationship needs care and support from many quarters. While it will be helpful for parents to improve communication skills and engage help from friends and family, they may still find the job of parenting overwhelming. They should not go it alone.

Your faith is the chief support of your marriage. Research shows that couples who are more religious tend to be more satisfied in their marriages, experience less conflict about common issues and higher levels of commitment and are less likely to divorce. Religious couples were more likely to report being satisfied in sacrificing for one another and have a stronger team identity. Couples seem to benefit most from religious practice if they are involved in it together.

With faith spouses can trust God to help them beat the statistics and continue in partnership. They also need to build ties with other parents who are in the same boat. A community of like-minded friends, at church and in the home, are a treasure. Parent groups that they organize in their parish or neighborhood, like the Christian Family Movement, can provide such a network. 

God and good friends help the spouses  to participate in a project that is bigger than both of them. In the process, they experience what Christian tradition calls “the Paschal Mystery,” dying to their old selves and rising to a new life. They learn in their vocation as parents that suffering leads to glory. 
Who are your partners in parenting that help keep your marriage strong?  

Halloween: We Are Not Afraid

Some Christians do not celebrate Halloween and consider it at odds with their faith. Many other Christians are fine with Halloween and enjoy dressing up and decorating and carving pumpkins.. I respect the choices of parents who say Halloween is not for them, but I love Halloween. It was my mom’s favorite holiday. Her birthday comes just a week earlier, and she reveled in Halloween preparations combined with her own party. She taught me the fun of dressing up and trying on a new identity with a few touches of makeup and some old clothes. It is the Eve of All Saints, and now I count her among them. Halloween is when we laugh at the things that scare us, ghosts and monsters and skeletons. We laugh at death, and say “You won’t get me!” To me, that is a deeply Christian hope. The Mexicans remember their beloved dead at this time of the year, also. El Dia de Los Muertos, the Day of the Dead, is a time to celebrate eternal life and recall the blessed company of our loved ones. So, stock up on candy and welcome the trick-or-treaters – even the teenagers. Life is sweet. Death has no power over us, because we belong to Christ

Still Smiling about the World Meeting of Families

The World Meeting of Families was a spiritual experience that my husband and I will never forget, because we really did “experience” meeting families. The people that we rubbed shoulders with made it a joyful assembly, even though most did not actually see Pope Francis. If we had really needed to see him, it would have been easier to do from in front of our computer screens. Attending the World Meeting Congress at the convention center during the week, we encountered a surprising number of people we know from the Christian Family Movement (CFM), an international organization that promotes family life. They came from Malawi, Philippines, Mexico, and Costa Rica, as well as from California, Iowa, and Texas. We met a CFM couple from Canada, whom we had previously only Skyped with, and embraced like old friends. We feel truly blessed to have been with so many wonderful families.

Fourteen of our grandchildren came on Saturday and Sunday, and we rode to train into downtown. Our daughter-in-law made sure we had matching red T-shirts, all with the LOVE sign. We were quite a procession marching down the street, and someone told us they had seen our family on TV! Several young families who are friends with our kids joined us with their many children and babies. These family friends were one of the best signs to me that our family can have a positive impact on the world: We literally multiply our witness and expand our impact on society when Christian families join together. The three five-year-olds, walked all the way to the Festival of Families site, about 3 miles from the train station to our blanket on the Benjamin Franklin Parkway.

The multi-national crowd at the Closing Papal Mass was friendly and prayerful. All the police, national guards, and WMOF volunteers were so welcoming and smiling. I think they also enjoyed the positive, appreciative people greeting and chatting with them. I saw police posing for photos with kids and one state trooper led his section of the crowd on the parade route in a wave. Security was very tight and the bag searches were thorough, so much so that many people had trouble getting into the Festival area. All in all, the World Meeting of Families was real win for the “City of Brotherly Love and Sisterly Affection.” It was also a real win for the mission of Jesus, the Light of the World. We saw Pope Francis drive by, and we loved that, but our best memories are those of the smiling couples and children we met in Philadelphia. We received his blessing, and we also shared the blessing of our families. 

What Parents Wish Parish Leaders Will Remember

Building the competence and confidence of Christian parents to pass on the faith is the mission of everyone who ministers with families. In Evangelii Gaudium, Pope Francis challenges ministers to improve our relationships with parents as co-missioners for passing on the faith: “We need to practice the art of listening, which is more than simply hearing. Listening...is an openness of heart which makes possible that closeness without which genuine spiritual encounter cannot occur. Listening helps us to find the right gesture and word which shows that we are more than simply bystanders” (EG 171). 

Wise parish staffs and individual catechists will make parent meetings and consultations with parents so intelligent, so excellent, so sensible that the people will want to come. Make the experience comfortable and hospitable. Have beautiful music and prayer. Make it your goal to meet each person face to face, rather than just have them mail in registration. Invite members of other parish organizations to be on hand to meet and greet people. Provide a parish “sponsor” for new families. Announce and welcome newcomers.

Parents want to do what is right for their families. Guidelines cannot and should not be enforced as though they are rules, particularly concerning sacraments. Think of Pope Francis’ image of the Church as a field hospital: Care for peoples’ immediate needs. Rehab can begin later, once you form a relationship of trust and respect. 

Recognize that parents have the most influence in forming faith. Include adults in planning; tap into the skills and talents they have. Partner with leader families: They will see their friends and neighbors in the workplace and on the soccer field, ant their homes must be places from which good news is communicated (EG 86). 

Be considerate and gentle with people. Life is very full, and they have challenges you wouldn’t guess. “Everyone needs to be touched by the comfort and attraction of God’s saving love, which is mysteriously at work in each person, above and beyond their faults and failings” (EG 44). Along with Pope Francis, we dream of a Church with its arms wide open, like the father of the Prodigal son, where there is a place for others, with all their problems (EG 47). Kindness and patience you offer to parents today can radiate to others who have not yet experienced the joy of the Gospel, spreading what Pope Francis calls “a revolution of tenderness” (EG 88).

Good Stewardship Begins at Home

Freshman move-in day marked a new chapter in the parenting lives of many of my friends. They are proud of their children, and at the same time they wrestle with anxieties and concerns for their safety.  Young parents delivering their kindergarteners to school have the same mixed feelings. They hope they have prepared them well. All these parents are feeling deeply their responsibility and love for their children, no matter their ages. They take seriously their stewardship of their children.

Parents steward their children in many ways.  For example, parents are responsible for keeping their children safe, not only by keeping them away from danger but by gradually teaching them to make safe and healthy choices and to recognize danger for themselves. Another example, parents teach prayers to their children and seek to build up a habit in the child of turning to God with trust and love when faced with a worry or concern. Parents’ goal should be to build self-mastery and personal initiative for Christian virtues in the child so that he or she will become an adult steward of himself. 

The tradition of viewing parents as stewards of their children goes back to the earliest days of Christianity.  The famous bishop and preacher St. John Chrysostom (340-407 CE) insisted that the family’s mission is to be a force in society to cultivate the kingdom of God. He explained his expectations for the work of the Christian home:  “When we teach our children to be gentle, to be forgiving, to be generous, and to love their fellow men…we instill virtue in their souls and reveal the image of God within them.  This, then, is our task: to educate both ourselves and our children in godliness; otherwise what answer will we have before Christ’s judgment seat?”  

In our families, we are stewards of our children but also of each other, husband and wife. Husbands and wives are called to “die to themselves” every day so that the marriage may flourish.  Married couples are called to grow in generosity towards their spouse and others.  They nourish their relationship by making time for one another, serving one another, listening to one another and always seeking the good of the other. In other words, as stewards of each other, husbands and wives are called to help each other grow in holiness. We are preparing for an eternal home.

Be the Change You Want To See

“Put on your own mask before helping others.” Before every flight, we are reminded of this basic survival strategy. Take this as a lesson for family relations, too.  When people are excited, afraid or angry, we can be most helpful if we manage our own emotions. When we can stay calm, the result is always better than if everyone keeps escalating. We call this being a “non-anxious” presence.” 

Jesus was very good at being a non-anxious presence: Think of how he responds calmly to the angry mob around the accused woman. Jesus did not argue and accuse. He remained calm. Instead of launching into a confrontation, he defused the situation by stooping down and writing on the ground. All the combatants had time to pause and remember their own sins. The situation was peacefully resolved. 

If one person in an emotional system can be a little bit different over a sustained period of time, the whole system will eventually change. Think “self.” Think about what you may have contributed to the problem. In a marriage, don’t ask, “How can I change this troublesome partner of mine?” Ask instead, “What is my contribution to this relationship pattern?” Practice bringing your own calmness to the situation. Rather than demanding change, ask questions to learn why people are acting that way. When things get tense or heated at home, someone has to be the adult. Let it be you.

Who's Job Is It? Sharing Chores, Sharing Skills

     A standard reflection exercise in marriage preparation programs helps engaged couples discuss what household jobs each expects to do. Most people have been raised to expect that certain jobs are done primarily by one sex or the other. The Pre-Cana discussion can help a couple clarify their expectations about household roles as they start their marriages. It also will remind couples that the job assignments aren’t written in stone. Many couples shift their roles and responsibilities several times throughout the years of their marriage.  When they become parents they may be slow to spread the tasks out to children as they grow and develop their own skills and preferred ways of doing things. Is it time for some job reclassification in your marriage and family life?
    The issue may be more serious than you think. One of the main causes of domestic problems is domestic – as in, housework. Who picks up the used newspapers? Who takes out the trash? Who will empty the dishwasher? Who walks the dog? Sound familiar?  One way to improve family life and reduce conflict is finding better ways to share the mundane tasks of their life together. 
    It can be hard to let go of our “specialties” and allow our spouse or kids to give a task their best shot. I know that sometimes I cling to more than my share of the housework out of a need to meet the expectations – real or imagined – of my mother and friends, none of whom are going to actually see the results. He’s really more thorough at vacuuming than I am, and his mom taught him to make perfect hospital corners on the sheets. I would really benefit from adopting some of his automotive skills, too. 
    Sharing chores is also good training for the future. When our kids were at home, I reluctantly turned over house painting to my son. Eventually, he surpassed me in technique.  Now that he’s married he paints his own walls, not mine. I miss having my daughter around to organize my spice cabinet and keep track of my pantry—now she is managing her own kitchen. By giving up some favorite tasks, I found I was training capable adults—a good trade-off.
    Creating a partnership of life and love in a family sometimes comes down to changing how we wash the dishes or make the bed or store the groceries.  We can let go of our idea of perfection in order to accept the help of our spouse and children. Sharing tasks will mean more time at the end of the day for us to appreciate each other.  

Wake up to God's work in your family

The Trinity is the central mystery of our faith, and it also enlightens our understanding of how God is at work in our families. In what concrete ways do you experience the three Persons of the Trinity in your family life? Here is an exercise you can use with any age group.

• I experience God the Holy Spirit in when I am feeling most creative and insightful. I know the Spirit is at work when a friend calls me on the phone just at the time I am thinking of them, or when I most need to hear their voice. I have learned to expect the Spirit to help me find the words to express my condolences to someone who is grieving, or to not say something that is on the tip of my tongue.  As I have become “older in the Spirit” I know that, if I really can’t stand a certain person, that is just who I will be teamed with for the project—because the Spirit of God will not let us stay infants and leads us to reconciliation. When do you feel the Spirit?
• I experience God the Son especially in the Scriptures and the Eucharist. Jesus is alive for me in the words of the Gospels, meeting individuals just as flawed as I am and loving them into peace. Jesus suffering and dying is made real to me in every Holy Week, as well as when I am struggling with a special sorrow or loss. In the assembly of the Mass, I am caught up with my brothers and sisters who have gone before me in faith, and even with those still to come, as we process toward the altar to receive Jesus into our bodies. I experience Jesus in my own body when I visit a hurting person or sit with a friend who has lost her job. Jesus uses my hands and voice and is present. He is alive. When do you experience Jesus' presence?
• I experience God the Father in the majesty of Creation and in the smallest woodland weed. I marvel at the intricacy of the spider web across the path and know God has been on that path ahead of me. When the lightning crashes, I am glad to be safe inside but marvel at the power that I know comes from God’s masterful design. I am fine with calling God my Father, and I don’t worry that God’s motherhood is not expressed. I believe God is the perfect Father, and the world would be a better place if more human fathers listened to him. God the Father informs my own motherhood, because I experience God as my partner in bringing children into the world, feeding them, protecting them, forgiving them, and letting them go. God the Father puts his shelter over me and gives me a home, the Church. When do you recognize God the Father?

Enrich Marriages with Virtues Education - Focus on Strengths

When planning marriage enrichment, focus on the strengths that couples already have—although they might not realize they have them.  Marriage in the Lord comes with the grace to live it out by growing in virtues needed for happy and holy families.  Christian couples should reflect the Biblical character qualities that St. Paul called “the fruits of the spirit:” love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control” (Gal. 5: 22-23).  These are qualities they want to have in their couple relationship, but they are also the basis for a parenting program by Christian marriage and family educators, Les and Leslie Parrott. In The Parent You Want to Be: Who You Are Matters More Than What You Do, the Parrotts advise parents to grow in Christian virtue themselves in order to raise children well. 

Marriage education programs, whether secular or faith-based, help adults learn and practice these qualities in their couple relationship.  In Beyond the Myth of Marital Happiness, Christian family educator Blaine Fowers describes how embracing the virtues of loyalty, generosity, justice and courage can strengthen a marriage relationship. Fowers claims that marriage education based on improving communication and increasing emotional satisfaction is not adequate. Instead, he believes that the best marriages are partnerships in which spouses are devoted to creating a shared life based on shared values.  

These two great resources provide strong background in my series of small group meetings for couples, Wisdom and Grace for Marriage and Parenting, available as a digital book form the Christian Family Movement. The meetings, which do not require a facilitator, cover communication, conflict resolution, appreciating differences, sacramental foundations of the family, and prayer.

Loving the Church - Domestic and Universal

Family ministry benefits from reflection on the story of the Church. The Church is like a family. I am reminded of this mystery when my five married children and their offspring get together at my house (this doesn’t happen too often since it is a mob of 30 people!). All my children do not agree on every point.  They have different philosophies of parenting. They have different opinions about how to relate to their parishes, though all of their children are baptized. Some of my children are homeschoolers, while their brother loves his public school. One of my children opposes vaccination; the others are cannot imagine not immunizing their children. When they were a bit younger, we would have some heated discussions. But as they have matured and their own children are growing, they have put away their swords and let other people be themselves.  They love each other and want to stay connected and make their relationships work.  They agree on the essentials, the “dogmas” if you will, of family life, like love, mercy, listening, and forgiving. The basic truths that we all agree to and hold dear keep us together as the years go by.

For me, this illustrates my feelings about the Church. The basic truths of our faith keep me connected to those who have gone before me. I love the Church like a family, and I want to stay connected, even when it is uncomfortable. Just like my adult children, I find that my Profession of Faith includes my assent to love, mercy, listening and forgiving. I recognize that I do have a responsibility to do my part to nurture my relationship with the Church and to be an authentic agent of passing on the Tradition by living it authentically.

God Dwells with Us

God dwells with us. When we know where to look, we will see God at work in the high-energy, joyful days and in our most trying times, too. Where God is present, holiness is there.

We see parents sacrificing their own wants for their children’s good. We see mothers and fathers spending time together, nurturing their marriages. We see families reconciling after hurts. We see parents comforting members that are hurt. We see children urging their parents to learn and grow. We see them practicing hospitality to others, taking meals and visiting the sick and lonely. We see their Christian symbols on the house for Easter and Christmas and identifying themselves as followers of Jesus. We see them going to church and participating in liturgy. We see other Christians organizing actions that help the poor.    

Yes, the signs of God's Kingdom are all around us if we look with eyes of faith. How is your family holy?  In what ways do you see other families being holy? What will each of us do to inspire our families to see themselves as “domestic church” -- a training ground in which we become, as the Fathers of the Church taught, “good housekeepers” of God’s present and future kingdom? 

Family Ministry Events - Think BIG!

I was recently invited to speak to the parents of recently-baptized babies at a local parish. The faith formation director had advertised the event to “Everyone who wants to know more about how to pass on their faith to the next generation.” I was rather surprised to find that half of the participants were grandparents! The workshop I had planned for young parents still gave them ideas to take home to their children and grandchildren.

When we seek to reach out to families in our parishes, we need to think bigger than married parents and small children. Of course, we want to encourage and empower traditional families, but many people in our parishes do not see themselves as having a family. These parishioners may not consider themselves invited to a parish “Family Night.”  If people perceive that they must be the parents of young children, our event will only attract that group. (And there will be times that we want that targeted focus, such as a marriage enrichment evening.)

However, everyone belongs to a family.  Not everyone is a parent, but everyone has a parent, living or deceased.  One may be a sister or brother, aunt or uncle. Someone who lives alone may have friends who are family to her. Single parents, spouses whose partner doesn’t come to church, single adults who care for aging parents, single people discerning their life’s vocation, divorced and remarried couples, couples experiencing infertility, grandparents whose children have stopped practicing the faith: all these folks belong to families. We believe they come to Church to seek God’s help with their family situations.

Consider billing a parish event for strengthening family life: “Sharing Your Faith with the Ones You Love.” Think of how many more people might consider themselves invited and attend.  Everyone who loves his or her family – however it is structured -- can benefit from a mission that assists them with skills, knowledge, and inspiration for sharing their faith more effectively.

Think even bigger! If we reach out to all family members whatever their age, home life, or situation, we could reach even more people through the people who love them. We hope that all the participants in our mission will become the missionaries to their family members we do not see in church.

Religion Can Be a Main Source of Family Strength

We don’t go to Church to get holy; we go to remember that we are holy. The Second Vatican Council reintroduced a concept that comes from the Church’s earliest tradition: the Christian family is a “domestic church”. This ancient teaching emphasizes that families can embody Christ in day-to-day experiences of their lives.     

The “domestic church” metaphor may originate from the fact that Christians met and worshipped in private homes long before they erected buildings specifically for the purpose of worship.  However, activities essential to the image of church -- education, hospitality, and care for the poor -- were carried out in early Christian households – and still are!  Christian family life involves not only prayer in words, but in deeds, as well. 

Holyness in Every Famiy

Your families are holy.

Family life minister, Cathy Chesto, says: "Each of us has received the call to holiness in our baptism. All of us are called to live a religious life.  Christian parents live the vocation to married life, following this call to be like Christ, and to be Christ to others. Every parent who loves a child is called to teach and model the God who is love.  Every time we pick up a crying baby, we teach the first and the most important lesson on prayer: when you cry out, someone answers. Until you believe this, you cannot pray. God is present in the ordinary times of family life, in which all we do can become prayer."

Catholic tradition sees the family – mother and father with their children -- as a true expression of the Church – the “domestic church”. The leader of our church is the Pope, which means “Papa,” and Papa and Mama lead the church of the home.  In Follow the Way of Love, the U.S. Bishops point out that, no matter its brokenness or challenges, all families are holy because God is at work in them.